Ms. Perking
by Ava Lindt
Estimated Length: 3-4 minutes

(A horrible looking teacher walks onstage with a ruler being swatted against her other thigh and a cage/container. She places the snake on the table, and then she paces back and forth across the stage a few times, surveying her class, which is the audience watching her)

      Good Morning, students. My name is Ms. Perking. Not Miss, not Missus.... Mizzzzz. I have very simple rules because I am a very simple woman. They should be easy to follow, if you have any sense of conduct in your juvenile selves. In my class there will be no talking amongst pupils. There will be no gum chewing, no pouting, no hats, and most of all no questions. You must always look at me and you must obey me.  (Points with ruler to a random boy, walking towards him)

You!! What is that you are eating? Gum? Miss Perking does not tolerate this kind of juvenile behavior. No ifs ands or buts about it, boy. Get out of my class. I said no gum chewing. Now, then. Our first lesson will be on the Pythagorean theorem. I hope you have been studying your math this summer, tomorrow there will be a quiz. What? What is that I hear? Is someone talking? You. Young lady, you are now to go sit here in front of the class with Miss Perking's pet snake, Fuzzy. You wretched girl  (Pause)  That's good, now.  (Miss. Perking nods evilly) .

(Paces back and forth, muttering, stops abruptly and addresses the class)

All right, come to order! Come to order! (gets more crazy) I said no talking or gum chewing and look! Look how you fools are interrupting my teaching! I will not have it. Children these days have no respect for their elders, but Mizz Perking knows the proper rules of conduct! Mizz Perking has consequences for her disobedient pupils. Anyone one who talks today will have an automatic zero for the year and will be sent to the main office, to talk to the Principal. I mean it. I mean it! Don't think I don't mean it, children. The Principal has consequences too, just like Mizzz Perking! Do you hear me? If I catch any of you chewing gum, I will personally stick my finger in your dirty little throat and get it out for you. Who is that laughing? I hear someone laughing? Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me.(Her eyes get wide and she purses her lips in fury)

Stop laughing at me you evil little beasts! This has gone on too long! This sort of punishment for an upstanding old lady, for a prudent lady like Mizz Perking. Six years at the seminary, thirty years at this school, two strokes! And the nerve! This is the thanks I get from these little cannibals. Come on Fuzzy, we're going home!

Picks up the pet snake from the desk and storms out

/ E-mail / Feedback form / E-mail this page / Back to Naranja