(Wendy Badoosh walks in with a clashing, 80's outfit and her hair done up in some scary 80's style. She is 37 and balding.)

      I was outside weeding the tomato bed, and all of a sudden I see this weird speck of light on my shed. You know, the kind of light that happens when things reflect off the sun and stuff. Well, I get distracted. You know me, hah! I get really distracted by THAT kind of stuff. Well other kinds of stuff, like when my cat is cleaning herself. I stop whatever I am doing at watch this miracle. I wish I could do that (attempts to clean herself with her paw, licking and then rubbing on her forehead like a cat). I mean cats are reeeeeaaaly cool in that respect. Dogs don't do that, they just lick. They don't have the style or the grace that our little feline snugglepoofs have.

     Grace! Oh my god I almost forgot. It's secretaries day! What am I doing here. Oh yeah, I came to this big building today to tell all these men about my UFO experience with the flashing light! I didn't know what it was! I was so freaked out. I mean could be one of those people who go on those shows with that UNSOLVED MYSTERIES guy and oh my god! I would be such a hit. Those kinds of things never happen in daylight. If you want them to happen in daylight, well they won't. They happen at night. And people don't see so well at night, so ya know, you have to be a cat to really get the vision right. You all know that cats have night vision, right? Well they do. They really do. I mean they can see their paws and know exactly where to clean! That's amazing to me. If it were pitch dark I would probably end up whacking off my nose. My nose is so big. It has exactly three warts and a bunch of blackheads. You know I thought blackheads would disappear when you turned 30, but they don't. Ha! When you're thirty you are just about balding! You know maybe my warts have something to do with this UFO experience! (scratches her thigh, pauses and looks left for 10 seconds, cocking her head). I oh my god ! there is another flash! Do you see that! (starts moving around her head in an egyptian-like way.) Oh my goodness! It moves whenever I move my head. This is ridiculous, they are after me. I have to get my cat here to go chase after this space-tinkerbell. I really do have to go unsolved mysteries now. You guys even have this on film! Uh.. hey, what are you laughing at?

(stares at an imaginary light bolting wherever her head moves on the wall for the rest of the monologue. Eventually begins to run around the stage.)

     It's my socks right? They are too normal for you. Not in style enough for you. That's it right? White equals not right, not bright, that is what Fab Fashion's February 1986th edition is saying. I subscribe to that. I have six issues. One even talks about what to wear when you are gardening. And for authentic purposes, I wore it. Just so maybe the UFO would come back. And it did, look! LOOK! LOOK! My acre of tomatoes is going to grow, grow grow! I bet that.. I bet that the space-tinkerbell blessed it! I bet that the space tinkerbell blessed ME! Now I will never age, never grow bald, never be out of style! I will be so hip!

(continues to run around the stage as lights fade out.)