torsdag, december 13
So all of a sudden I am switching host families. And my brain is putting up all these error messages. "Nobody loves you." "Nobody tells you anything." 2 days before I am scheduled to change I am finally let in on the whole deal. Everyone else that was even remotely involved already knew about it 2 weeks before. I am a little angry, and not making any effort to speak with this host family. It's not as uncomfortable as it sounds, as we never talked in the first place. They show no interest and it would really be almost funny if I wasn't so alone. This is really starting to get to me, the fact that I am living with people who actually don't want an exchange student, and everyone who actually does want me around lives far away. Yes man, the people I want to be with are so fucking far away it's so annoying. And of course it's all designed this way, to make an exchange student try to immerse her/him/its self into the Country A's culture. But it's really hard when all I want to do is sit down and hug someone, talk some really great English, and walk around looking like a tourist for a while.
I have really ceased to care if people know I am American. I'm so proud of being foreign here in this little country where everything is brought in and bathed in Danish water, and yet the people all seem so purebred. The language shuts people out by saying, "Yes, I am the Danish language, and I am the hardest language in Europe." It really isn't that hard, since they use the same 4 words to describe everything that is positive. Really. Dejlig, flot, god, fin. There are some other ones for the people who really do want to stretch their imaginations, or they can always use English, which they all learn from the fourth grade. But it's the pronunciation that is hard. And it's not really our fault anyway, because they can talk with a horrible accent in our language, and say they are fluent. And yet they can't even understand us if we speak theirs.
Blah, I am in a bad mood. I just wrapped up a bunch of little gifts for this family, and they will probably open them in private, like they do everything in private. I have ridden in their car maybe 4 times in these 2 months. Isn't that insane? It's weird for me to get in a car these days. I am always hopping on my bike and whizzing through the wind. I just wish they would say something to me, joke around a little, ask me how my day was. Say hello as they walked in the door. Anything to cure this silence or these unknown voices wafting in from the television... My head is stinging. My My little heartstrings are pulling towards certain places in the world but I am stuck with these people I barely know, my suitcases half packed, and my mind on why do I have to be spread so so thin...
18:33 Hej hej.